How to actually change something?

If you think about your life and about the way your life is going, are you feeling satisfied? Or do you feel trapped in a repetitive everyday life? Are you maybe talking to people or listing to others while they are telling you to design the life you want to live and the person you want to be? You might ask yourself if there is a truth in the statement that says YOU are responsible for how your life looks like and YOU can also influence the direction. That is maybe also the hardest part of it, but change is actually a chance you are self responsible to do so. That is the reason why change and self-responsibility belong together.

There is nobody who creates your life, there might be coincidences which seem to sometimes give you a direction, but in the end it is you to decide which way to go and how to behave. If you are totally satisfied about your personality, you did an excellent job. But maybe there are also personal characteristics you would like to change.

I give you one example which shows self-responsibility is working:

You have a restrained character, you like to be with people, but you are not the person who openly says what you like and what you think. Mostly others are louder and faster explaining their thoughts and you subordinate yourself to these persons and opinions. When you then have a calm moment, you come home from work, you realize that you actually think differently. You are angry about yourself why you didn’t say anything, because you feared the reaction of others.

Good news, you definitely can change this behavior. Determine things that are important for you and should be part of your life. What do you think about these things? Experience shows you in which life situations you were happy and when not. What did fit together and what did not? From this you can draw your own conclusions. If you really want to change yourself, you can do so. By always behaving differently as you wish. You can start with small changes and look how it goes.

How can you finally change something?

In my example you could start with telling your opinion in a familiar environment, being with family or friends. Decide for yourself in advance which results you want to have out of this conversation and then dare and say your honest opinion loud and confident. Now the interesting part is coming, you will see the reaction of your conversation partner. They might be surprised because they didn’t expect your behavior, but this reaction mostly doesn’t reflect your opinion itself. Your mind will learn this and point it as a good experience. Even if your conversation partner has a different opinion, you will feel relieved as you shared your point of view this time as well. There is nothing you can regret afterwards.  At some point the mind remembers and sees this action as normality.

There is a solution – combining willingness to change and self-responsibility:

You can train your mind like a muscle. I really liked the chapter in the book individuation*. New experiences overwrite the old fears or actions. This concludes in a positive cycle: the goals lead to a change in behavior, the changed behavior influences the self concept, the changed self concept in turn causes further behavior changes. While doing this it is important to set realistic goals, otherwise it takes the opposite direction. Try it out with simple actions you always wanted to change. The advise is to follow these changes over 21 days, every day you train your muscle. It can also be helpful to integrate it in your daily routine, every day at the same time and location. You would need to try out what fits the best for you. After the 21 days you will experience if the change feels good and you want to keep it. As I said at the beginning, if you are doing well and you are happy as you are, there is no reason to change. But if the pressure of suffering is too high or the curiosity for change grows, there is the possibility to change your personality. That are really good news, don’t you think? Keep in mind that change and self-responsibility belong together, now it is time to get started.

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